unexpected peace

After a day of not having a phone, I’m surprised at how happy I am without one. My only irk was not having an alarm this morning, I mean I could have used my clock radio but that would mean getting out of bed and walking all the way to the other side of my room just to hit snooze.

Now I realise it would be more painful if I had an actual life and friends to communicate with and my main use wasn’t Hay Day (just unlocked my mine, woo!) or checking my emails.

But it has also meant that I’ve finally jumped a wall instead of just staring at it, like I have for the past month. The scary thing is coming to terms that I have just wasted a whole month. That I’m now way behind my original timeline and have nothing sufficient to show for it. Asides the ramblings of a crazy person. That excuses won’t cut it when I have to give in a progress report in a few weeks and so far have nothing to show. The annoying thing is it’s not as if I was being lazy, but it looks that way. Stupid scumbag brain.

I saw a wall hanging in a shop window a few days ago saying ‘Do something that scares you’. I’m trying to live by the mantra at the moment. I realise that the things that scare me, technically aren’t that scary in the grand scheme of things or at all for most people. But they still paralyse me with fear, things like cold calling/emailing people. I have always been afraid of annoying someone, or making a fool out of myself. The funny thing is I only have 146 days left of this project, 288 days of uni. It’s nothing isn’t it? Isn’t it worth being a stressed, anxious person for another 288 days so then I can finally relax and know that I tried my best. It’s just frustrating having to always fight myself with every decision I make, or every thought I have. And even more frustrating knowing that if this was a project I had been given at work I would have excelled already as my mind frame would be completely different. But as it’s all down to me and for my own personal gain, my mind says it’s ok to fuck myself over, because apparently I deserve that.

Annmarie xoxo

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