it’s the little things…

like a bus / tube arriving as soon as you reach the stop/station and there’s only one person in front of you in the queue.

like reading a book on a bus/tube as it whizzes you towards your destination.

like the sun winning its battle against the clouds and piercing through in December.

like a warm cup of tea hugging you after coming in from a windy walk.

like a clean desk, am empty floor and bin.

like putting up Christmas lights and adding a little sparkle to your room.

like scratching items off a to do list, long overdue.

like reconnecting with an old friend.

like payday!

and most of all Maria Mena’s new album is out today 😀 and guess who will be binge-listening to it for the whole of this weekend? That’ll be me.

I started my first CBT since being home on Wednesday, and am so far seeing the benefits!

Annmarie xoxo

Anxiety 0 – Annmarie 1

One thing that has thwarted my job search over the last few months is my confidence, but mainly my anxiety.

I had recently applied for a temporary job, hoping to gain further experience in that area. I thought I had a good chance, having met the criteria and it also being temporary. I was lucky enough to have received an phone call for an interview. Then they uttered the horrible words –  ‘group interview’. In my mind I didn’t know what to expect. Would it be a panel of people asking questions and then we would have to answer them next to our competition? Something similar to the boardroom in The Apprentice. Or would we be doing group activities, making a bridge or lego tower? The not knowing made it worse.

The night before I had such bad panic attacks, it got to a point during the night where I questioned just blowing off the interview altogether to stop them. Then the logical part of my brain realised regardless of how sleep-deprived and anxious I would be, going would allow me to use it as practice for a proper job, no matter how badly it went. The fact that the more of them I do, the less likely I was going to feel like this.

The question side of the interview I answered well. We were sat around as a group answering one after another as I thought. But luckily my previous jobs helped me a lot. When it came to the role play (I wouldn’t call it a role play) exercise. I was given the worst of the role, every other one I had ideas for, the one I was given? none. In the end I just gave an honest answer, and then mentioned my mind was blank. By then I knew I had messed it up. Everyone else had agreed to the scheme, whilst my character didn’t going against the companies values and beliefs! I realised once I had opened my mouth I had shot myself in the foot, by being honest.

We were told we would hear back that afternoon as to whether we had the job or not. It had got to 6pm and I had come to terms with the inevitable rejection email, I would see the following day. However, at 8pm I received a phone call from a number I didn’t recognise to say I had got the job, and had impressed them so much I had been promoted to a leadership role. Needless to say I was extastic, it was the first step I had been looking for.

I started the role this week. Man do I now have a new found admiration for postmen. The size of the blisters I have gotten are unreal, and the blisters that have grown into other blisters and amalgamated into this weird painful alien on my feet. It has also taught me how stressful it is to be a manager of temperamental characters, who can switch to a firey dragon very quickly. And just when I thought I had cracked that hard outer shell and reached the soft molten inside, it’ll come back with a sharp bite. Well I only have three more weeks of it.

Annmarie xoxo

one week in!

*awaiting for photos of my graduation to share*

It’s been a week since I left Norwich indefinitely. Now a graduate to the rest of the world, I can no longer do certain things and just use being a student as an excuse. I thought the idea of coming home, living with my parents are four years of fun and freedom was going to be a nightmare. So far so good.

In fact within this week I’ve probably been more productive than I had been in the last month in Norwich (again, can’t use being a student as an excuse). Between applying for jobs, learning French and trying to fit four years of new shit into one room it’s helped my mentality. seriously I don’t remember buying that much each academic year….but then I look at my bank account and that disagrees with me.

Part of me was worried I would come back and immediately relapse into my teenage self and run away from everything in fear. But it looks like I permanently achieved some form of change over the last few years. And it’s something I can be proud of.

It is of course only the first week

Annmarie xoxo

Sun is shining the weather is…crap

I was either going to go for Bob Marley or Annie’s ‘The sun will come out [possibly] tomorrow’.

Here’s the obligatory British post about the crappy weather we’re currently having. five minutes later after taking the featured image photo this happened:

20140811-221553-80153273.jpg
I know which one I prefer! The first one looks like bubblewrap in disguise, you want to pop all the little bubbles.

I’ve been trying to plough my way through the huge pile of work, which although is making me feel empowered…isn’t exactly helping with the stress…in fact has made it soar through the roof. I need a day at the spa, or a need to learn yoga or meditation. Because at this rate my blood pressure is going to rise and I’m not going to get any sleep for the next few months.

Can’t believe the news about Robin Williams, I grew up watching his films and he never failed to make me laugh. Rest in peace. I hate how the media is currently trying to psychoanalyse his thoughts. It just goes to show that mental illnesses do not discriminate.

Time to get back to day job! *yaaaay*.

Annmarie xoxo

Edit:// That moment when you finally find a journal relating to your dissertation and it opens up like a whole new doorway FUCK YEAH!!!!!

I want to celebrate… with cake or something.

I’m doing it again

By ‘it’ being my talent of self – sabotaging myself.

For years it was a great soothing technique to keep myself safe, it made everything easier in the short term. Now a days as I’ve trained myself to realise it is happening, it makes it easier to nip in the bud, right? Usually, but not currently.

I don’t know whether it’s the general stress I’m imposing on myself to be perfect, or whether it’s the self-doubt that what I’m trying to do is incorrect. I’ve somehow justified to myself for the past few weeks that avoiding everything at all costs will make it better. Which is never the case, in fact I’ve just ended up making myself ill with stress, given myself less time to carry out stuff, and means I still have to do all the things I was avoiding.

A lot of this is to do with my final year project (the big old dissertation). I’m worried about completing it, getting the right grade, wondering whether I’m doing the right thing and cold contacting a billion people because the stubborn hermit in me hates asking people for help / get very nervous (and slightly paranoid) when it comes to contacting people. Yes I’m one of those people who read and re read and re read again this time between the lines before I hit send. Ignoring the fact that I can’t do this project without any external correspondences. I’ve just found out I missed a deadline to gain a grant to help cover expenses, so now I’m worried about covering the travel costs to travel 60 miles every so often. Instead of replying to the email, what am I doing? Worrying but not doing anything about it!!!! Realised that I should have submitted another form months ago and now I’m at a road block.

I then have this booming voice inside of my head that’s telling me to not bother, because it going to be awful, I’ll do badly. It argues the loudest against everyone else telling me how talented I am and how I can do anything I put my mind to. I just can’t seem to right now find the silver lining. All I want to do is hide and avoid it all at all costs.

The funny thing is, emotions asides I know I’m capable.

I just can’t seem to get my logically and emotional sides to co-exist and make magic together.

Someone just slap some sense into me please, you can even go cartoon style and hit me with an anvil. Although in the famous words of Lorelai – where did all the anvils go? I need Rory’s academic mind while we’re on the Gilmore Girls subject. Just going to watch the scene where Luke pushes Jess into the water over and over again to cheer me up.

Ok next post won’t be so depressing, I promise. I’ll bring cake…

Annmarie xoxo

fear.

‘What are you scared of? Address one of your worst fears. If you’re up for a twist, write this post in a style that’s different from your own.’

What are you scared of? She laughs, what isn’t she scared of she thinks. Her fears keep her up at night, what would she give for just one night of sound sleep? To not have to pop pills to shut up her head. To not have this evil monkey that sits on her shoulder and stops her living fully. That’s how she sees it, a little monkey that drags her back. She sees all of the people she went to school with growing up and making a difference to the world, whilst she has yet to find the motivation to evict said monkey. To say she fears she’s not good enough is an understatement, she believes it and it consumes every thought process, every action. She’s getting better, realising how to stave the monkey. Changing her thoughts, stepping out of her comfort zone. But still wishes the monkey was never there in the first place.

Annmarie xoxo

You’ve changed

‘Today, imagine you work in a place where you manage lost or forgotten items. What might you find in the pile? For those participating in our serial challenge, reflect on the theme of “lost and found,” too.’

Welcome to the tour of my workplace – the brain. As you can see it has been established for 21 years, apologies for the dust in the corner.  Watch out for that slippery floor over there, that’s where things get forgotten such as dates, anything academic which would be of use during assessments, or words…in general.  Now I know what you’re thinking, why aren’t we using the beautiful fingerposts during this tour to get to the next place? Well they’re of no use, because in this workplace we don’t know where we are or where we’re going!

To grow you have to depart with some of your old ways of thinking, be it about certain people who are just not good for you, the way you see yourself, or as simple as finding the correct solution.  It’s funny because to grow, it often means changing something which leads to people saying ‘you’ve changed’.

But why does that statement always have negative connotations? Why do people tend to fear when people change? Most of the time that change is good for that person. I guess in some cases it means that person no longer has a doormat they can step all over. But it’s completely natural to change overtime. Different experiences challenge you and make you into the person you are.

Or you have an epiphany and realise you’re fed up of being treated as the sidekick and want to be the person in control of your own life.

I do wonder if time travel was possible, what 14 year old me would think of 21 year old me? Would she like what she saw?

I mean in some ways I haven’t changed, and I’m still the same person. But I’ve seen that light at the other end of the tunnel (basically finishing school!) and realised half of the worries I had are over, that I’ve been unfair on myself. Would she see myself as a fighter/intelligent/and yet still socially inept? Or would she still be so negative that she would just reflect on the worst and see no changes? I guess until they’ve invented time travel or I’m the Doctor’s companion we’ll never know!

 

side note – how do you create a blog about yourself, without it not being narcissistic?

Annmarie xoxo