By ‘it’ being my talent of self – sabotaging myself.
For years it was a great soothing technique to keep myself safe, it made everything easier in the short term. Now a days as I’ve trained myself to realise it is happening, it makes it easier to nip in the bud, right? Usually, but not currently.
I don’t know whether it’s the general stress I’m imposing on myself to be perfect, or whether it’s the self-doubt that what I’m trying to do is incorrect. I’ve somehow justified to myself for the past few weeks that avoiding everything at all costs will make it better. Which is never the case, in fact I’ve just ended up making myself ill with stress, given myself less time to carry out stuff, and means I still have to do all the things I was avoiding.
A lot of this is to do with my final year project (the big old dissertation). I’m worried about completing it, getting the right grade, wondering whether I’m doing the right thing and cold contacting a billion people because the stubborn hermit in me hates asking people for help / get very nervous (and slightly paranoid) when it comes to contacting people. Yes I’m one of those people who read and re read and re read again this time between the lines before I hit send. Ignoring the fact that I can’t do this project without any external correspondences. I’ve just found out I missed a deadline to gain a grant to help cover expenses, so now I’m worried about covering the travel costs to travel 60 miles every so often. Instead of replying to the email, what am I doing? Worrying but not doing anything about it!!!! Realised that I should have submitted another form months ago and now I’m at a road block.
I then have this booming voice inside of my head that’s telling me to not bother, because it going to be awful, I’ll do badly. It argues the loudest against everyone else telling me how talented I am and how I can do anything I put my mind to. I just can’t seem to right now find the silver lining. All I want to do is hide and avoid it all at all costs.
The funny thing is, emotions asides I know I’m capable.
I just can’t seem to get my logically and emotional sides to co-exist and make magic together.
Someone just slap some sense into me please, you can even go cartoon style and hit me with an anvil. Although in the famous words of Lorelai – where did all the anvils go? I need Rory’s academic mind while we’re on the Gilmore Girls subject. Just going to watch the scene where Luke pushes Jess into the water over and over again to cheer me up.
Ok next post won’t be so depressing, I promise. I’ll bring cake…